I've been really struggling this week because I've been feeling like an absolute failure in every area of my life. And you're welcome to turn away now. I'm in vent mode.
Tuesday, I accidentally overslept two of my classes. I then went to my ensemble, then voice, and didn't do half as well as I know I can, and my teacher just kept telling me it was all right. But it's not. I want to be the best that I can be, and that wasn't it. I then head for a 3 hour rehearsal later that day. No one says anything specifically to me, but half the notes that the director gave fit what I was doing. Boo. I know I'm not the greatest actress, but I try.
Today rolls around. I make it to all my classes, but I got my theory test back today. I thought I'd done really well, and that I understood, but I still managed to get a 74%. So frustrating. I met a couple of friends off of my floor for lunch, and then went to Chorale; in which our director proceeded to be very picky the entire hour. Chamber, the next ensemble, had an audition for a solo that I really wanted. And, lo and behold, they get to me, and my voice cracks. And fails. In front of 30 people. *sigh.* Yay for my tenor friend, who knew I was upset (I didn't get picked), and made sure to give me lots of hugs.
But there was more to it than just not getting the solo. You see, I made the top ensemble at my university. And a freshman who is in one of the lower choirs got it the solo. Shouldn't I be better than that? Shouldn't I be succeeding more?
Of course, this is when my other tenor friend (they're kinda partners in crime) chooses to get in my face and tell me I have a beautiful voice, and that if 3 people agree, they can't all be wrong. He then asked me if I was listening. I told him that I was listening, but didn't think I believed him.
Listening. Really. How many people actually listen to what others say and how they say it? If people were just more sensitive to the nuances of how other people said things, then maybe we'd understand our friends so much better. Shouldn't we care how our friends feel? (I'm including myself in this.)
Day is still going here. I make it out of there, and into my astronomy class (nothing to report), although I do have an exam in there tomorrow. I left for our music building, in which I was forced by our diction teacher to sit through a voice area recital. And I realized I don't think I have half the voice those people had, and I feel so inferior. How did I ever make Chorale?
Diction begins, and I finally start opening up to the first tenor I talked to earlier. I share what's going through my head, and he tells me I have a great voice. I told him to please be honest, and he replied that he doesn't say things if he's not honest about it. (He and I are a lot alike in that respect.)
I have this really bad habit of believing that when anyone compliments me, that they're being genuine. I wish I knew how to say thank you and accept it for how they meant it. *sigh*.
To top this all off, I find out I can't go home this weekend as my hometown is supposed to get snow and possible ice. And my mom was in a fender-bender. I got off the phone with my dad and cried. I feel so emotionally wrung out right now. I'm concerned that if any of my friends read this (minus the one who I know is), they'd see me as weak, and just wouldn't put up with me. I feel incompetent and I know I'm probably on a huge self-pity kick, but I feel as if they would just walk away.
Do I really think that little of my friends? That's very sad.
I believe I'm done venting. I feel better, and now a song's running through my head.
"Lord, move in a way that I've never seen before. There's a mountain in the way, and a lock on the door. I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore. Lord move, or move me."
I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be confident. Think Fanny Brice with "Don't Rain on My Parade" inner confidence.
I'm finished now. If you've read this far, thank you for caring.
