21.6.10

Father's Day

It's Father's Day today, and for the first time, I'm not at home. I know my dad misses me, and I love him a lot. People don't really understand him, and he really doesn't say it a lot, but I know he loves me. This might be one of the only pics of him smiling.

Anyway. I was at church today, and the pastor kept talking about all the dads in our lives, our fathers and grandfathers, and how we should love and appreciate them.

I'm kinda bad at appreciating my grandpas. They're both 2-12 hours away from where I live currently, and I don't see them a lot. And when I don't see them, I'm really, really bad about calling them and saying hello.

But let me tell you a little bit about these 3 dads in my life. My dad is hardworking, he is organized, he supported me when I decided to switch my major to music, of all things. My dad loves me even though I'm not perfect and not like other people. His dad? He's amazing at fixing things. He's got so much knowledge about appliance fixing, and business, and he's a protector, especially of abused animals and children. That set of grandparents have 3 pets. All rescue animals. And they love my grandpa to death. :) My mom's dad is the one who is 12 hours away, and I only see once a year. He loves history, and loves to tell me stories if I'll sit and listen; he never went to high school because his family couldn't afford it.

Today, he's the one who made me cry when I called him. He told me that he was so proud of me, and that he couldn't believe how much I'd achieved. He was so proud of how smart I was, and how beautiful I was. (Well, that's the way he sees it, at least.) Then he told me to never forget these years in my life, and that it was wonderful I had such great friends.


That leads me to the second part of the sermon. The pastor talked about how all guys in our lives needed to be appreciated for what they did. I have 3 absolutely incredible guy friends, and I wanted to appreciate and love on them too.

This picture to the left is a shot of the 3 of them as we were roaming around Vienna, Austria at 12:00am. Crazy guys.

These guys have been so amazing to me. They listen to me when I'm hurting, even when I'm not so nice about my ranting. They've protected me; they've defended me.

And they mean the world to me. (And they'll never see this blog post. :P)

I would do so much for these guys, and I know at least one of them would do the same for me. Here's to long walks and talks, funny accents, five hour conversations, and realizing that J (on the far right) is a hobbit. :)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I realize I'm really blessed to have all of these men/guys in my life. I know so many who have lost both grandfathers and dads, and I'm so glad to still have all of mine. As for my friends, it's by grace alone that God's placed them in my life, and I'm so grateful to have them.

18.6.10

Inside Looking Out

I've really been struggling a lot since I've made it back to Springfield. I'm a lot less lonely here, but at the same time, I'm more lonely.

My friends are wonderful. And I love them. I really, really do. I'm just not so sure that they love me back, or that they miss me sometimes too. One of the guys keeps telling me "I miss all of you guys!", and my brain thinks, "but do you miss me?"

I've been having nightmares. About everyone leaving me worthless and broken, and calling me names and walking away. And it's happened the past four nights. I don't really understand. But there's one of my friends now who's always in the background, and he's been standing as my support in the dream.

I guess it's because I let go in front of him, and he told me I wasn't worthless, and that he loved me.

I'm so blessed to have him in my life. I really am. But it still doesn't stop the nightmares from coming back. I know in my head they aren't true, but it doesn't make it all hurt any less. I feel like my heart's broken, and I'm not totally sure why.

There are days, including today, that I wish the people around me would notice I'm hurting. And help me without me having to always try to come to them. Because I'm tired of people not seeking after me sometimes. It'd be nice to feel like I'm wanted.

On the plus side though, there are still hugs, and kitties, and chocolate, yes?