I've really been struggling a lot since I've made it back to Springfield. I'm a lot less lonely here, but at the same time, I'm more lonely.
My friends are wonderful. And I love them. I really, really do. I'm just not so sure that they love me back, or that they miss me sometimes too. One of the guys keeps telling me "I miss all of you guys!", and my brain thinks, "but do you miss me?"
I've been having nightmares. About everyone leaving me worthless and broken, and calling me names and walking away. And it's happened the past four nights. I don't really understand. But there's one of my friends now who's always in the background, and he's been standing as my support in the dream.
I guess it's because I let go in front of him, and he told me I wasn't worthless, and that he loved me.
I'm so blessed to have him in my life. I really am. But it still doesn't stop the nightmares from coming back. I know in my head they aren't true, but it doesn't make it all hurt any less. I feel like my heart's broken, and I'm not totally sure why.
There are days, including today, that I wish the people around me would notice I'm hurting. And help me without me having to always try to come to them. Because I'm tired of people not seeking after me sometimes. It'd be nice to feel like I'm wanted.
On the plus side though, there are still hugs, and kitties, and chocolate, yes?
my dear dear friend. I love you so very much. and if I was there I would hug you and rock you and pretend that everything was ok even though you felt like it was falling apart.
ReplyDeleteand then we would watch Glee and laugh together.
home soon!