of having no confidence in myself. Right now, I have these thoughts in the back of my head that say that I rely on my friends too much; because I dump so much on them, they can't trust me to be there for them if they need the same. And that really hurts. I like being there for people.
Today I got to hang out with two of my best friends. And they're great people, they've been there for me through some really rough times recently. But I felt like a third wheel for most of the night, and that when they remembered me, it was because they just wanted to make sure that I knew that they knew I was still there, and not completely because they wanted me to be there or actually laugh and cuddle with me.
It was really fun for me to watch them interact though, because they're such cool people. I guess I'm just jealous of the camraderie that they have, and I want to find it for myself. I want to make people smile. I don't want to make people's days bad, and I feel like that's all I do. Ooh, look, ominous cloud.
I know a lot of this post is me being irrational, and feeling lonely, and knowing that I'm not like everyone else in how I interact with others. I just don't know how to fix it.
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
8.7.10
2.4.10
My friends are. . .unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether almost impossible to describe.
Oh, my friends. I miss you, and you haven't even been gone over 48 hours.
It's Spring Holiday (Easter break) here at school, and all my friends have gone home or out of state. I had to work yesterday, so I've still been here. Mind you, I'm leaving in about 10 minutes, but I just wanted to post this.
These new friends of mine really have no idea how much they mean to me. The first group is kinda my main group and they call themselves the Choir Buddies.
Of course, they met in choir, are all music majors or minors, and well, they're a bit odd compared to most people. We're a very hug-oriented group, like Disney, and will talk in random accents with random characters we make up. And it never seems to matter who's around (unless it's our director!). This group of people is so very unique, and I'm so glad they're my friends. Let me explain to you the level of slightly odd. A joke happened in December, before I was really a part of the group, and one of the girls in the group joked that one of the guys was her grandma. And next thing I know, they have a family tree for the whole group. And no, I'm not kidding.
I was going to put the picture in here, but Blogger doesn't like me right now. I'm in the family tree now, accepted and apparently cared for. Two of the tenors in the group decided the introvert in their choir no longer needed a bubble. So I start getting hugs everyday from these two, of their own volition. And I start hanging out with the freshman tenor, and he lures me in. Sneaky, sneaky. They're very outgoing, friendly guys who I have a lot in common with. They both took the time to really get to know me. They still enjoy surprising me almost everyday though.
Next thing I know, I'm part of the group, I'm on the family tree, and my Sunday nights have been claimed. We hang out then with the whole group after our myriad things finish. What these two tenors don't have a clue about is that I would actually call them best friends of mine. And I'm pretty particular about saying that. These guys bought me FFXIII for my birthday because they knew I wanted it. Aren't they sweet? :)
It's hard sometimes, though, being a strong introvert in a big group of extroverts. Sometimes I feel kinda ignored. I know they never mean it, but somedays, it never feels like they notice me. But then when they do, it means so much to know I mean a lot to them. At least, I hope I do.
And then there's miss Kaela. She's country, protective and a year younger than me. But she constantly motherhen's me sometimes. (I do the same to her, it's all good.) Kaela and I are very similar, and we vent to each other about so many things. Kaela is also one of my best friends; she also doesn't know this. But I know she's a friend I'll have for life. She was texting me yesterday while I was at work, and informed me that she has a belated birthday present for me. I told her she didn't have to, and she told me she knew. I have awesome friends. Her roommate, Liz, is a very blunt individual with so much compassion sometimes that it's almost hard for her to express how much it matters to her that her opinion matters to you. She's gotten to me a couple times, and combined with a bunch of other people, is kinda triggering a self-discovery. That'll be a later post though.
You can see where I might miss them all while they're gone. They pull me out of my shell, and I'm very open with them. I miss getting hugs, and being loved. I wish I could express to them how much they mean to me.
Before this year, I had 2 friends I could count on. Now one's gone, the other is still one of my best friends and I've found so many more. I'm so very grateful for my zany, outgoing, precious friends. I just kinda wish they were all back. :)
It's Spring Holiday (Easter break) here at school, and all my friends have gone home or out of state. I had to work yesterday, so I've still been here. Mind you, I'm leaving in about 10 minutes, but I just wanted to post this.
These new friends of mine really have no idea how much they mean to me. The first group is kinda my main group and they call themselves the Choir Buddies.
Of course, they met in choir, are all music majors or minors, and well, they're a bit odd compared to most people. We're a very hug-oriented group, like Disney, and will talk in random accents with random characters we make up. And it never seems to matter who's around (unless it's our director!). This group of people is so very unique, and I'm so glad they're my friends. Let me explain to you the level of slightly odd. A joke happened in December, before I was really a part of the group, and one of the girls in the group joked that one of the guys was her grandma. And next thing I know, they have a family tree for the whole group. And no, I'm not kidding.
I was going to put the picture in here, but Blogger doesn't like me right now. I'm in the family tree now, accepted and apparently cared for. Two of the tenors in the group decided the introvert in their choir no longer needed a bubble. So I start getting hugs everyday from these two, of their own volition. And I start hanging out with the freshman tenor, and he lures me in. Sneaky, sneaky. They're very outgoing, friendly guys who I have a lot in common with. They both took the time to really get to know me. They still enjoy surprising me almost everyday though.
Next thing I know, I'm part of the group, I'm on the family tree, and my Sunday nights have been claimed. We hang out then with the whole group after our myriad things finish. What these two tenors don't have a clue about is that I would actually call them best friends of mine. And I'm pretty particular about saying that. These guys bought me FFXIII for my birthday because they knew I wanted it. Aren't they sweet? :)
It's hard sometimes, though, being a strong introvert in a big group of extroverts. Sometimes I feel kinda ignored. I know they never mean it, but somedays, it never feels like they notice me. But then when they do, it means so much to know I mean a lot to them. At least, I hope I do.
And then there's miss Kaela. She's country, protective and a year younger than me. But she constantly motherhen's me sometimes. (I do the same to her, it's all good.) Kaela and I are very similar, and we vent to each other about so many things. Kaela is also one of my best friends; she also doesn't know this. But I know she's a friend I'll have for life. She was texting me yesterday while I was at work, and informed me that she has a belated birthday present for me. I told her she didn't have to, and she told me she knew. I have awesome friends. Her roommate, Liz, is a very blunt individual with so much compassion sometimes that it's almost hard for her to express how much it matters to her that her opinion matters to you. She's gotten to me a couple times, and combined with a bunch of other people, is kinda triggering a self-discovery. That'll be a later post though.
You can see where I might miss them all while they're gone. They pull me out of my shell, and I'm very open with them. I miss getting hugs, and being loved. I wish I could express to them how much they mean to me.
Before this year, I had 2 friends I could count on. Now one's gone, the other is still one of my best friends and I've found so many more. I'm so very grateful for my zany, outgoing, precious friends. I just kinda wish they were all back. :)
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