Let me sit here. . .

safe in my mini-fortress. Perhaps it's safer than getting out.

photo props weheartit

But then again, is that living?

no.

I want to be me, and be joyful, and have happy days.

I just don't know exactly who me is.

Or why anyone could ever like me.

(Sidenote: I get to go see Les Mis on tour/favorite musical ever. :D)

Wonder and dream far and wide as you dare

This week just keeps getting worse. I manage to get in the middle of two friends and they were both mad at each other, but I didn't trigger the anger, and they weren't mad at me. One friend hangs up on me and forgets me.

I make it to rehearsal tonight, and finally relax for the first time in 4 days. And then I fall on my side, and laugh my head off, then manage to whack my forehead on a drum. Meh.

HvZ is going on on our campus right now, and I made a promise to a friend, and then I had to inadvertently lie to one of my best friends to keep the promise to her. The friend she's protecting then makes a "joke" about how he doesn't trust me and so on. I storm out of the BK we're in. And she's being a great friend, and listening to me vent, even after I admit I'm mad at her friend. And then I explain I was a bit ticked at the fact that he managed to knock me over, and she said he was sorry. And I know that.

Now I'm frustrated with it all, and she's mad at me. Why can't I just be a good friend? Today I've been in an argument with 3 of my 4 best friends. And I don't know how much more I can take right now. Call me selfish, but I wish this wasn't happening. And I can't apologize for being upset.

Why now?

Why are you still here with me? I need you to love me. . .

I hate bad days with an absolute passion. Especially when my bad day seems to be affecting everyone else, and they're all having bad days too. :P

Those two crazy tenors of mine are seeming very distant today and it's kinda bothering me. I can't figure out if I'm being clingy, or they just don't care about me today. I hate being so emotionally connected sometimes.

I had a migraine this morning, and skipped my two morning classes. Turns out we had a quiz that I missed entirely in our theory class. I'm such a bad student. How can I ever be a teacher like this when I skip class because of a headache?

Chorale went ok. I stood next to Kenny, but I've been feeling lightheaded and dizzy all day. Chamber was ok, but tenors gave me half-hearted hugs. On a good note, we got out almost 20 minutes early. Christy and I go to hang out, and wind up skipping astronomy because I'm not feeling up to par. We were lying in her car, seats back while talking. She was talking about her wedding, and I was texting Kaela.

And then I started to think about how alone I kinda felt right now. Those tenors are my closest friends, or at least, I want them to be. Kaela's having a bad day, Liz and I are sitting here listening to music, Ryan is somewhere, Devin is stressing, etc. One of my friends from high school just got engaged, and it freaked me out really badly, because, hello, still alone, never been kissed, meh. And she's getting married! I'm only 20, surely we have time! But then I feel like I'm abnormal, that I've only had one boyfriend. I wonder if I'm attractive. I mean, I know I walk weird and all that jazz.

I just want to loved so badly. And I know I shouldn't look for love here, God can love me for everything I need, but, I want more. Boo.

This headache doesn't seem to be leaving, my friends minus two seem like I've done something wrong, and I have a 3 hour rehearsal tonight. I just want a good day. I want a weekend to take a break from this day.