Take it to the Lord in prayer. .

It’s been a very strange week for me. I tried a new church on Sunday, and it’s the James River Assembly offshoot by Wilson’s Creek. One of the pastors made the comment that there were those who might feel like they’ve turned away from God, that they’re alone. And so when he asked to pray for those people, I raised my hand. Didn’t think a thing of it. At JRA, however, they have people who volunteer for the church come pull you out and pray with you. You know me, so I’m sure you can guess how well I responded to that. The lady who talked/prayed with me was very nice, however, and she kept telling me, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been gone. He’s still there waiting.

That got me. I guess there’s a part of me that has expected Him to look at me and say “you’ve gone cold. You turned away from me. Why should I take you back when I know you’ll more than likely do it again?”

Now, I don’t know where that’s going to take me. I can’t find a home church, much less other Christians I trust to talk to. I’m so afraid I’m going to fail. Again.

I’m tired of that word. Failure. Afraid. Sorry. I seriously wonder how many times a day I use those words. I feel unimportant, worthless, broken. And I can’t fathom why my friends keep sticking around. I don’t comprehend that. A wise person I know told me once that the things that bother us about others tend to be a trait we have. And I don’t like it when people wallow in pity. And yet I do it all the freakin’ time. I don’t want my friends to hang out with me because they feel sorry for me, but because they enjoy being with me. Because they like me.

I have two friends, a baritone and an alto, who have been really good for me. They know how I feel about myself, and they’ve been trying to help. The guy keeps telling me to ignore what others think of me, and to stop making myself small based on their opinions.

Problem: I don’t have a clue how. I apologize to everyone, even when I know something’s not my fault. I would rather be ignored than for people to call out my mistakes.  And as the alto said, “You have no less value than anyone else.” Problem #2: I recognize the logic in this statement. I just don’t know I believe it. I don’t even have a reason why I don’t.

There’s also a part of me that’s afraid that if I start changing, if I become more confident, if I start changing myself, that I won’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve questioned myself for so long, been the meek, doormat person that just about everybody walks over, and I’ve let them. I’m afraid I’d walk away from my friends, and I don’t even know why I’m afraid of that. Maybe it’s because I’m now walking away from a 6 year friendship.

I’m afraid I’ll become someone I don’t know. I’m afraid I’ll be a b****. I’ve seen too many “confident” women decide to leave the rest of the world behind. And they’re lonely and broken.

I don’t want that anymore. I’m tired of being afraid, of belittling myself, believing I’m worthless, that I cannot be loved. I’m tired of feeling like I’m broken beyond repair. And I don’t want it. I’m tired of second-guessing everything people do, even my friends. I wait for them to realize how little I am; how pathetic.

They keep telling me I’m not. I don’t know why I can’t believe them. I guess it all boils down to this.

I’m done.

I’m done with standing at a crossroads, waiting for a sign. I’m done with being this meek person. I’m tired of being afraid.

Mind you, I still haven’t made a decision. I’m scared to move on getting closer to God. That alto I mentioned earlier? She told me she’s felt for awhile that she needed to tell me to get closer with Him. That her confidence issues left when she started getting closer to Him. And she sent me a hymn, which will be at the end.

Another friend told me that he is always reminded that God is in his situation. He prays and surrenders his fears to Him, and is relieved. He trusts that Jesus will order his steps, and all will be ok. I don’t have that kind of trust. I’m too afraid to let go. There’s too many things I want in this life that I’m afraid God could just be like, “No. That’s not my plan for you.”

I’m still a bit skittish about all of this. Every time I’ve tried to get closer with God before, especially last school year, I always do fine for 2 months, and then I get busy. I drift away. I fail. Again.

There’s a part of me that even questions if He’s there. But I know that cannot be true.

However, I’ve never been so determined to break away from the self-belittling shell I’ve kept myself in for so long.

I stand at the crossroads, watching, observing. I turn 180°, and look ahead.

“Tell me, where’s the challenge if you never try? So watch me fly!”

1. What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

2. Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.

3. Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee;
thou wilt find a solace there.

“Forget regret, or life is yours to miss! No other road, no other way, no day but today!”

So tired. . .

of having no confidence in myself. Right now, I have these thoughts in the back of my head that say that I rely on my friends too much; because I dump so much on them, they can't trust me to be there for them if they need the same. And that really hurts. I like being there for people.

Today I got to hang out with two of my best friends. And they're great people, they've been there for me through some really rough times recently. But I felt like a third wheel for most of the night, and that when they remembered me, it was because they just wanted to make sure that I knew that they knew I was still there, and not completely because they wanted me to be there or actually laugh and cuddle with me.

It was really fun for me to watch them interact though, because they're such cool people. I guess I'm just jealous of the camraderie that they have, and I want to find it for myself. I want to make people smile. I don't want to make people's days bad, and I feel like that's all I do. Ooh, look, ominous cloud.

I know a lot of this post is me being irrational, and feeling lonely, and knowing that I'm not like everyone else in how I interact with others. I just don't know how to fix it.