Have you ever felt like people look right around you? That you're there, but at the same time, not? And that they interact with you in ways that make it so very difficult for you to ignore them.
It's hard.
Because I don't feel like I can say anything, and I want to have hope that it will all work out in a very positive way, but the pessimist inside me is rearing her head.
Bleh.
Anyway, rehearsals this week are going to be crazy. The President's concert is coming up, and having 3 rehearsals Thursday, Friday, Saturday from 7-10, plus my parents coming into town, plus finals, and I'm supposed to work this weekend. 100+ people don't all generally understand how to move around and do as our director says, so it'll be intriguing for sure.
I'm waiting for Kenny to get back up here to the Ellis computer lab so we can talk a bit. Meanwhile, I'm listening to Spring Awakening. I don't really know the basis of the show, but there's a song in here called "I Believe". It's so simple, and so beautiful.
See here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CLLjMWCNBw
I'm trying not to give up hope. It's a pretty day outside, and there's a lot to do today. How do you find your hope?
19.4.10
8.4.10
Wonder and dream far and wide as you dare
This week just keeps getting worse. I manage to get in the middle of two friends and they were both mad at each other, but I didn't trigger the anger, and they weren't mad at me. One friend hangs up on me and forgets me.
I make it to rehearsal tonight, and finally relax for the first time in 4 days. And then I fall on my side, and laugh my head off, then manage to whack my forehead on a drum. Meh.
HvZ is going on on our campus right now, and I made a promise to a friend, and then I had to inadvertently lie to one of my best friends to keep the promise to her. The friend she's protecting then makes a "joke" about how he doesn't trust me and so on. I storm out of the BK we're in. And she's being a great friend, and listening to me vent, even after I admit I'm mad at her friend. And then I explain I was a bit ticked at the fact that he managed to knock me over, and she said he was sorry. And I know that.
Now I'm frustrated with it all, and she's mad at me. Why can't I just be a good friend? Today I've been in an argument with 3 of my 4 best friends. And I don't know how much more I can take right now. Call me selfish, but I wish this wasn't happening. And I can't apologize for being upset.
Why now?
I make it to rehearsal tonight, and finally relax for the first time in 4 days. And then I fall on my side, and laugh my head off, then manage to whack my forehead on a drum. Meh.
HvZ is going on on our campus right now, and I made a promise to a friend, and then I had to inadvertently lie to one of my best friends to keep the promise to her. The friend she's protecting then makes a "joke" about how he doesn't trust me and so on. I storm out of the BK we're in. And she's being a great friend, and listening to me vent, even after I admit I'm mad at her friend. And then I explain I was a bit ticked at the fact that he managed to knock me over, and she said he was sorry. And I know that.
Now I'm frustrated with it all, and she's mad at me. Why can't I just be a good friend? Today I've been in an argument with 3 of my 4 best friends. And I don't know how much more I can take right now. Call me selfish, but I wish this wasn't happening. And I can't apologize for being upset.
Why now?
5.4.10
Why are you still here with me? I need you to love me. . .
I hate bad days with an absolute passion. Especially when my bad day seems to be affecting everyone else, and they're all having bad days too. :P
Those two crazy tenors of mine are seeming very distant today and it's kinda bothering me. I can't figure out if I'm being clingy, or they just don't care about me today. I hate being so emotionally connected sometimes.
I had a migraine this morning, and skipped my two morning classes. Turns out we had a quiz that I missed entirely in our theory class. I'm such a bad student. How can I ever be a teacher like this when I skip class because of a headache?
Chorale went ok. I stood next to Kenny, but I've been feeling lightheaded and dizzy all day. Chamber was ok, but tenors gave me half-hearted hugs. On a good note, we got out almost 20 minutes early. Christy and I go to hang out, and wind up skipping astronomy because I'm not feeling up to par. We were lying in her car, seats back while talking. She was talking about her wedding, and I was texting Kaela.
And then I started to think about how alone I kinda felt right now. Those tenors are my closest friends, or at least, I want them to be. Kaela's having a bad day, Liz and I are sitting here listening to music, Ryan is somewhere, Devin is stressing, etc. One of my friends from high school just got engaged, and it freaked me out really badly, because, hello, still alone, never been kissed, meh. And she's getting married! I'm only 20, surely we have time! But then I feel like I'm abnormal, that I've only had one boyfriend. I wonder if I'm attractive. I mean, I know I walk weird and all that jazz.
I just want to loved so badly. And I know I shouldn't look for love here, God can love me for everything I need, but, I want more. Boo.
This headache doesn't seem to be leaving, my friends minus two seem like I've done something wrong, and I have a 3 hour rehearsal tonight. I just want a good day. I want a weekend to take a break from this day.
Those two crazy tenors of mine are seeming very distant today and it's kinda bothering me. I can't figure out if I'm being clingy, or they just don't care about me today. I hate being so emotionally connected sometimes.
I had a migraine this morning, and skipped my two morning classes. Turns out we had a quiz that I missed entirely in our theory class. I'm such a bad student. How can I ever be a teacher like this when I skip class because of a headache?
Chorale went ok. I stood next to Kenny, but I've been feeling lightheaded and dizzy all day. Chamber was ok, but tenors gave me half-hearted hugs. On a good note, we got out almost 20 minutes early. Christy and I go to hang out, and wind up skipping astronomy because I'm not feeling up to par. We were lying in her car, seats back while talking. She was talking about her wedding, and I was texting Kaela.
And then I started to think about how alone I kinda felt right now. Those tenors are my closest friends, or at least, I want them to be. Kaela's having a bad day, Liz and I are sitting here listening to music, Ryan is somewhere, Devin is stressing, etc. One of my friends from high school just got engaged, and it freaked me out really badly, because, hello, still alone, never been kissed, meh. And she's getting married! I'm only 20, surely we have time! But then I feel like I'm abnormal, that I've only had one boyfriend. I wonder if I'm attractive. I mean, I know I walk weird and all that jazz.
I just want to loved so badly. And I know I shouldn't look for love here, God can love me for everything I need, but, I want more. Boo.
This headache doesn't seem to be leaving, my friends minus two seem like I've done something wrong, and I have a 3 hour rehearsal tonight. I just want a good day. I want a weekend to take a break from this day.
2.4.10
My friends are. . .unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether almost impossible to describe.
Oh, my friends. I miss you, and you haven't even been gone over 48 hours.
It's Spring Holiday (Easter break) here at school, and all my friends have gone home or out of state. I had to work yesterday, so I've still been here. Mind you, I'm leaving in about 10 minutes, but I just wanted to post this.
These new friends of mine really have no idea how much they mean to me. The first group is kinda my main group and they call themselves the Choir Buddies.
Of course, they met in choir, are all music majors or minors, and well, they're a bit odd compared to most people. We're a very hug-oriented group, like Disney, and will talk in random accents with random characters we make up. And it never seems to matter who's around (unless it's our director!). This group of people is so very unique, and I'm so glad they're my friends. Let me explain to you the level of slightly odd. A joke happened in December, before I was really a part of the group, and one of the girls in the group joked that one of the guys was her grandma. And next thing I know, they have a family tree for the whole group. And no, I'm not kidding.
I was going to put the picture in here, but Blogger doesn't like me right now. I'm in the family tree now, accepted and apparently cared for. Two of the tenors in the group decided the introvert in their choir no longer needed a bubble. So I start getting hugs everyday from these two, of their own volition. And I start hanging out with the freshman tenor, and he lures me in. Sneaky, sneaky. They're very outgoing, friendly guys who I have a lot in common with. They both took the time to really get to know me. They still enjoy surprising me almost everyday though.
Next thing I know, I'm part of the group, I'm on the family tree, and my Sunday nights have been claimed. We hang out then with the whole group after our myriad things finish. What these two tenors don't have a clue about is that I would actually call them best friends of mine. And I'm pretty particular about saying that. These guys bought me FFXIII for my birthday because they knew I wanted it. Aren't they sweet? :)
It's hard sometimes, though, being a strong introvert in a big group of extroverts. Sometimes I feel kinda ignored. I know they never mean it, but somedays, it never feels like they notice me. But then when they do, it means so much to know I mean a lot to them. At least, I hope I do.
And then there's miss Kaela. She's country, protective and a year younger than me. But she constantly motherhen's me sometimes. (I do the same to her, it's all good.) Kaela and I are very similar, and we vent to each other about so many things. Kaela is also one of my best friends; she also doesn't know this. But I know she's a friend I'll have for life. She was texting me yesterday while I was at work, and informed me that she has a belated birthday present for me. I told her she didn't have to, and she told me she knew. I have awesome friends. Her roommate, Liz, is a very blunt individual with so much compassion sometimes that it's almost hard for her to express how much it matters to her that her opinion matters to you. She's gotten to me a couple times, and combined with a bunch of other people, is kinda triggering a self-discovery. That'll be a later post though.
You can see where I might miss them all while they're gone. They pull me out of my shell, and I'm very open with them. I miss getting hugs, and being loved. I wish I could express to them how much they mean to me.
Before this year, I had 2 friends I could count on. Now one's gone, the other is still one of my best friends and I've found so many more. I'm so very grateful for my zany, outgoing, precious friends. I just kinda wish they were all back. :)
It's Spring Holiday (Easter break) here at school, and all my friends have gone home or out of state. I had to work yesterday, so I've still been here. Mind you, I'm leaving in about 10 minutes, but I just wanted to post this.
These new friends of mine really have no idea how much they mean to me. The first group is kinda my main group and they call themselves the Choir Buddies.
Of course, they met in choir, are all music majors or minors, and well, they're a bit odd compared to most people. We're a very hug-oriented group, like Disney, and will talk in random accents with random characters we make up. And it never seems to matter who's around (unless it's our director!). This group of people is so very unique, and I'm so glad they're my friends. Let me explain to you the level of slightly odd. A joke happened in December, before I was really a part of the group, and one of the girls in the group joked that one of the guys was her grandma. And next thing I know, they have a family tree for the whole group. And no, I'm not kidding.
I was going to put the picture in here, but Blogger doesn't like me right now. I'm in the family tree now, accepted and apparently cared for. Two of the tenors in the group decided the introvert in their choir no longer needed a bubble. So I start getting hugs everyday from these two, of their own volition. And I start hanging out with the freshman tenor, and he lures me in. Sneaky, sneaky. They're very outgoing, friendly guys who I have a lot in common with. They both took the time to really get to know me. They still enjoy surprising me almost everyday though.
Next thing I know, I'm part of the group, I'm on the family tree, and my Sunday nights have been claimed. We hang out then with the whole group after our myriad things finish. What these two tenors don't have a clue about is that I would actually call them best friends of mine. And I'm pretty particular about saying that. These guys bought me FFXIII for my birthday because they knew I wanted it. Aren't they sweet? :)
It's hard sometimes, though, being a strong introvert in a big group of extroverts. Sometimes I feel kinda ignored. I know they never mean it, but somedays, it never feels like they notice me. But then when they do, it means so much to know I mean a lot to them. At least, I hope I do.
And then there's miss Kaela. She's country, protective and a year younger than me. But she constantly motherhen's me sometimes. (I do the same to her, it's all good.) Kaela and I are very similar, and we vent to each other about so many things. Kaela is also one of my best friends; she also doesn't know this. But I know she's a friend I'll have for life. She was texting me yesterday while I was at work, and informed me that she has a belated birthday present for me. I told her she didn't have to, and she told me she knew. I have awesome friends. Her roommate, Liz, is a very blunt individual with so much compassion sometimes that it's almost hard for her to express how much it matters to her that her opinion matters to you. She's gotten to me a couple times, and combined with a bunch of other people, is kinda triggering a self-discovery. That'll be a later post though.
You can see where I might miss them all while they're gone. They pull me out of my shell, and I'm very open with them. I miss getting hugs, and being loved. I wish I could express to them how much they mean to me.
Before this year, I had 2 friends I could count on. Now one's gone, the other is still one of my best friends and I've found so many more. I'm so very grateful for my zany, outgoing, precious friends. I just kinda wish they were all back. :)
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