I am tired, I am weak, I am worn

It's been a long couple of weeks.

I've lost everything.

I've gained perspective.

I'm finding that maybe I had things/people I didn't know I had.

But I miss my best friend so much. And I wonder if I'll ever mean the same to him again. If he'll ever be able to trust me again.

He told me once I would come to the point where I had two choices: to give up or move forward. He told me he was afraid I'd give up on everything. On life, on him, on my friends.

I almost did. But I couldn't.

Now it's become one foot in front of the other. One of my other friends told me he was angry because of how I treated myself. I still can't shake the feeling that he's angry and distanced from me.

But I've made a choice now. I'm moving forward. And I'm not worthless.

You just don't see yourself the way everyone else does

It'd be nice if I did. New goal for next week:

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Acceptable goal, yes?

Let me sit here. . .

safe in my mini-fortress. Perhaps it's safer than getting out.

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But then again, is that living?

no.

I want to be me, and be joyful, and have happy days.

I just don't know exactly who me is.

Or why anyone could ever like me.

(Sidenote: I get to go see Les Mis on tour/favorite musical ever. :D)

This is so me.

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Sad, isn't it?

Masquerade/paper faces on parade

This semester has seriously become a game. Let's see how many people I can make happy, and let everyone else think I'm happy too.

That gets difficult when I have a best friend who knows me so well. But it really stinks when he ignores me too. And it's not really intentional on his part, it just that he has stuff too, and I tend to get lost in shuffles a lot of times. There are days where I seriously wish someone would just notice, hug me, and tell me that everything's going to be fine.

I know I stress a lot and I know some of it's my fault. I know I used to be really shy, still am with most people. But with those few, I wish it didn't seem like they are afraid/don't know how to approach me and offer to help.

Yay, fall break, right?

Summer sun's calling my name

Hannah tagged me in this because I needed a smile, and so help me, I really do

 

Rule 1: Tag three friends

Well, I don't have any on here, so Christy, if you see this, you're it.

Rule 2: Fill in the non-bolded areas with your own thoughts. Watch Cassie's Therapy Video from the top link to see the original. Below is mine.

Rule 3: Enjoy exploring your own brain. It's rather fun.

abracadabra, wow!I like girls who are genuine and boys who are sweethearts.

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i like cookie dough.
i like black panther cuddles (it's a toy)

i like candles

i like being loved

photo props me

 
i like roommates who laugh with me
i like people who listen
i like not stressing

 i like rain on a tin roof

 i like being a musician

i like being there for people

i like kitties

 

photo props weheartit

 

i love my best friends today i found new depths to myself .in some ways, i love everything its less, its less of a thing to like, its less distinct, its less particulari like things that i like but i love everythingthere's more choice in likecause even the worst things have things you love in themi don't know what you mean about things i hatei hate hospitals 

i hate ignorant people.
i hate feeling alone

 

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i hate being such a depressive person
i hate failure
i hate being alone , but in ways, it's those times that show me what I need the most

i hate being trapped in my own perception

i hate when my contacts make my eyes hurt
i hate this, wow...sorry

Random thought

One of my friends texted me earlier today, and told me he and another friend wanted to come see me after they ate dinner (yay, right?) So, I tell him to text me when they're on their way over, dash around, clean up apartment. (I'm pretty sure they're going to forget or not make it.) This was around 5:30. Around 8, I text him asking if it's going to be around 10 before they make it over. He replies that "no, we'll be over sometime soon." Then around 9, he texts me saying that dinner was kinda late, so they can't make it over, sorry. And I reply pretty short, and he apologizes 3 times. I know he's sorry. And I forgive him. He's never done this to me before.

But so many people have before. I take for granted that people are going to forget me. Again, and leave.

Take it to the Lord in prayer. .

It’s been a very strange week for me. I tried a new church on Sunday, and it’s the James River Assembly offshoot by Wilson’s Creek. One of the pastors made the comment that there were those who might feel like they’ve turned away from God, that they’re alone. And so when he asked to pray for those people, I raised my hand. Didn’t think a thing of it. At JRA, however, they have people who volunteer for the church come pull you out and pray with you. You know me, so I’m sure you can guess how well I responded to that. The lady who talked/prayed with me was very nice, however, and she kept telling me, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been gone. He’s still there waiting.

That got me. I guess there’s a part of me that has expected Him to look at me and say “you’ve gone cold. You turned away from me. Why should I take you back when I know you’ll more than likely do it again?”

Now, I don’t know where that’s going to take me. I can’t find a home church, much less other Christians I trust to talk to. I’m so afraid I’m going to fail. Again.

I’m tired of that word. Failure. Afraid. Sorry. I seriously wonder how many times a day I use those words. I feel unimportant, worthless, broken. And I can’t fathom why my friends keep sticking around. I don’t comprehend that. A wise person I know told me once that the things that bother us about others tend to be a trait we have. And I don’t like it when people wallow in pity. And yet I do it all the freakin’ time. I don’t want my friends to hang out with me because they feel sorry for me, but because they enjoy being with me. Because they like me.

I have two friends, a baritone and an alto, who have been really good for me. They know how I feel about myself, and they’ve been trying to help. The guy keeps telling me to ignore what others think of me, and to stop making myself small based on their opinions.

Problem: I don’t have a clue how. I apologize to everyone, even when I know something’s not my fault. I would rather be ignored than for people to call out my mistakes.  And as the alto said, “You have no less value than anyone else.” Problem #2: I recognize the logic in this statement. I just don’t know I believe it. I don’t even have a reason why I don’t.

There’s also a part of me that’s afraid that if I start changing, if I become more confident, if I start changing myself, that I won’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve questioned myself for so long, been the meek, doormat person that just about everybody walks over, and I’ve let them. I’m afraid I’d walk away from my friends, and I don’t even know why I’m afraid of that. Maybe it’s because I’m now walking away from a 6 year friendship.

I’m afraid I’ll become someone I don’t know. I’m afraid I’ll be a b****. I’ve seen too many “confident” women decide to leave the rest of the world behind. And they’re lonely and broken.

I don’t want that anymore. I’m tired of being afraid, of belittling myself, believing I’m worthless, that I cannot be loved. I’m tired of feeling like I’m broken beyond repair. And I don’t want it. I’m tired of second-guessing everything people do, even my friends. I wait for them to realize how little I am; how pathetic.

They keep telling me I’m not. I don’t know why I can’t believe them. I guess it all boils down to this.

I’m done.

I’m done with standing at a crossroads, waiting for a sign. I’m done with being this meek person. I’m tired of being afraid.

Mind you, I still haven’t made a decision. I’m scared to move on getting closer to God. That alto I mentioned earlier? She told me she’s felt for awhile that she needed to tell me to get closer with Him. That her confidence issues left when she started getting closer to Him. And she sent me a hymn, which will be at the end.

Another friend told me that he is always reminded that God is in his situation. He prays and surrenders his fears to Him, and is relieved. He trusts that Jesus will order his steps, and all will be ok. I don’t have that kind of trust. I’m too afraid to let go. There’s too many things I want in this life that I’m afraid God could just be like, “No. That’s not my plan for you.”

I’m still a bit skittish about all of this. Every time I’ve tried to get closer with God before, especially last school year, I always do fine for 2 months, and then I get busy. I drift away. I fail. Again.

There’s a part of me that even questions if He’s there. But I know that cannot be true.

However, I’ve never been so determined to break away from the self-belittling shell I’ve kept myself in for so long.

I stand at the crossroads, watching, observing. I turn 180°, and look ahead.

“Tell me, where’s the challenge if you never try? So watch me fly!”

1. What a friend we have in Jesus,
all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit,
O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry
everything to God in prayer.

2. Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful
who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
take it to the Lord in prayer.

3. Are we weak and heavy laden,
cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge;
take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee;
thou wilt find a solace there.

“Forget regret, or life is yours to miss! No other road, no other way, no day but today!”

So tired. . .

of having no confidence in myself. Right now, I have these thoughts in the back of my head that say that I rely on my friends too much; because I dump so much on them, they can't trust me to be there for them if they need the same. And that really hurts. I like being there for people.

Today I got to hang out with two of my best friends. And they're great people, they've been there for me through some really rough times recently. But I felt like a third wheel for most of the night, and that when they remembered me, it was because they just wanted to make sure that I knew that they knew I was still there, and not completely because they wanted me to be there or actually laugh and cuddle with me.

It was really fun for me to watch them interact though, because they're such cool people. I guess I'm just jealous of the camraderie that they have, and I want to find it for myself. I want to make people smile. I don't want to make people's days bad, and I feel like that's all I do. Ooh, look, ominous cloud.

I know a lot of this post is me being irrational, and feeling lonely, and knowing that I'm not like everyone else in how I interact with others. I just don't know how to fix it.

Father's Day

It's Father's Day today, and for the first time, I'm not at home. I know my dad misses me, and I love him a lot. People don't really understand him, and he really doesn't say it a lot, but I know he loves me. This might be one of the only pics of him smiling.

Anyway. I was at church today, and the pastor kept talking about all the dads in our lives, our fathers and grandfathers, and how we should love and appreciate them.

I'm kinda bad at appreciating my grandpas. They're both 2-12 hours away from where I live currently, and I don't see them a lot. And when I don't see them, I'm really, really bad about calling them and saying hello.

But let me tell you a little bit about these 3 dads in my life. My dad is hardworking, he is organized, he supported me when I decided to switch my major to music, of all things. My dad loves me even though I'm not perfect and not like other people. His dad? He's amazing at fixing things. He's got so much knowledge about appliance fixing, and business, and he's a protector, especially of abused animals and children. That set of grandparents have 3 pets. All rescue animals. And they love my grandpa to death. :) My mom's dad is the one who is 12 hours away, and I only see once a year. He loves history, and loves to tell me stories if I'll sit and listen; he never went to high school because his family couldn't afford it.

Today, he's the one who made me cry when I called him. He told me that he was so proud of me, and that he couldn't believe how much I'd achieved. He was so proud of how smart I was, and how beautiful I was. (Well, that's the way he sees it, at least.) Then he told me to never forget these years in my life, and that it was wonderful I had such great friends.

That leads me to the second part of the sermon. The pastor talked about how all guys in our lives needed to be appreciated for what they did. I have 3 absolutely incredible guy friends, and I wanted to appreciate and love on them too.

This picture to the left is a shot of the 3 of them as we were roaming around Vienna, Austria at 12:00am. Crazy guys.

These guys have been so amazing to me. They listen to me when I'm hurting, even when I'm not so nice about my ranting. They've protected me; they've defended me.

And they mean the world to me. (And they'll never see this blog post. :P)

I would do so much for these guys, and I know at least one of them would do the same for me. Here's to long walks and talks, funny accents, five hour conversations, and realizing that J (on the far right) is a hobbit. :)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I realize I'm really blessed to have all of these men/guys in my life. I know so many who have lost both grandfathers and dads, and I'm so glad to still have all of mine. As for my friends, it's by grace alone that God's placed them in my life, and I'm so grateful to have them.

Inside Looking Out

I've really been struggling a lot since I've made it back to Springfield. I'm a lot less lonely here, but at the same time, I'm more lonely.

My friends are wonderful. And I love them. I really, really do. I'm just not so sure that they love me back, or that they miss me sometimes too. One of the guys keeps telling me "I miss all of you guys!", and my brain thinks, "but do you miss me?"

I've been having nightmares. About everyone leaving me worthless and broken, and calling me names and walking away. And it's happened the past four nights. I don't really understand. But there's one of my friends now who's always in the background, and he's been standing as my support in the dream.

I guess it's because I let go in front of him, and he told me I wasn't worthless, and that he loved me.

I'm so blessed to have him in my life. I really am. But it still doesn't stop the nightmares from coming back. I know in my head they aren't true, but it doesn't make it all hurt any less. I feel like my heart's broken, and I'm not totally sure why.

There are days, including today, that I wish the people around me would notice I'm hurting. And help me without me having to always try to come to them. Because I'm tired of people not seeking after me sometimes. It'd be nice to feel like I'm wanted.

On the plus side though, there are still hugs, and kitties, and chocolate, yes?

I believe there is love in heaven. . .

Have you ever felt like people look right around you? That you're there, but at the same time, not? And that they interact with you in ways that make it so very difficult for you to ignore them.

It's hard.

Because I don't feel like I can say anything, and I want to have hope that it will all work out in a very positive way, but the pessimist inside me is rearing her head.

Bleh.

Anyway, rehearsals this week are going to be crazy. The President's concert is coming up, and having 3 rehearsals Thursday, Friday, Saturday from 7-10, plus my parents coming into town, plus finals, and I'm supposed to work this weekend. 100+ people don't all generally understand how to move around and do as our director says, so it'll be intriguing for sure.

I'm waiting for Kenny to get back up here to the Ellis computer lab so we can talk a bit. Meanwhile, I'm listening to Spring Awakening. I don't really know the basis of the show, but there's a song in here called "I Believe". It's so simple, and so beautiful.

See here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CLLjMWCNBw

I'm trying not to give up hope. It's a pretty day outside, and there's a lot to do today. How do you find your hope?

Personality and College

I'll elaborate more later, but see this.


My personalDNA Report

Wonder and dream far and wide as you dare

This week just keeps getting worse. I manage to get in the middle of two friends and they were both mad at each other, but I didn't trigger the anger, and they weren't mad at me. One friend hangs up on me and forgets me.

I make it to rehearsal tonight, and finally relax for the first time in 4 days. And then I fall on my side, and laugh my head off, then manage to whack my forehead on a drum. Meh.

HvZ is going on on our campus right now, and I made a promise to a friend, and then I had to inadvertently lie to one of my best friends to keep the promise to her. The friend she's protecting then makes a "joke" about how he doesn't trust me and so on. I storm out of the BK we're in. And she's being a great friend, and listening to me vent, even after I admit I'm mad at her friend. And then I explain I was a bit ticked at the fact that he managed to knock me over, and she said he was sorry. And I know that.

Now I'm frustrated with it all, and she's mad at me. Why can't I just be a good friend? Today I've been in an argument with 3 of my 4 best friends. And I don't know how much more I can take right now. Call me selfish, but I wish this wasn't happening. And I can't apologize for being upset.

Why now?

Why are you still here with me? I need you to love me. . .

I hate bad days with an absolute passion. Especially when my bad day seems to be affecting everyone else, and they're all having bad days too. :P

Those two crazy tenors of mine are seeming very distant today and it's kinda bothering me. I can't figure out if I'm being clingy, or they just don't care about me today. I hate being so emotionally connected sometimes.

I had a migraine this morning, and skipped my two morning classes. Turns out we had a quiz that I missed entirely in our theory class. I'm such a bad student. How can I ever be a teacher like this when I skip class because of a headache?

Chorale went ok. I stood next to Kenny, but I've been feeling lightheaded and dizzy all day. Chamber was ok, but tenors gave me half-hearted hugs. On a good note, we got out almost 20 minutes early. Christy and I go to hang out, and wind up skipping astronomy because I'm not feeling up to par. We were lying in her car, seats back while talking. She was talking about her wedding, and I was texting Kaela.

And then I started to think about how alone I kinda felt right now. Those tenors are my closest friends, or at least, I want them to be. Kaela's having a bad day, Liz and I are sitting here listening to music, Ryan is somewhere, Devin is stressing, etc. One of my friends from high school just got engaged, and it freaked me out really badly, because, hello, still alone, never been kissed, meh. And she's getting married! I'm only 20, surely we have time! But then I feel like I'm abnormal, that I've only had one boyfriend. I wonder if I'm attractive. I mean, I know I walk weird and all that jazz.

I just want to loved so badly. And I know I shouldn't look for love here, God can love me for everything I need, but, I want more. Boo.

This headache doesn't seem to be leaving, my friends minus two seem like I've done something wrong, and I have a 3 hour rehearsal tonight. I just want a good day. I want a weekend to take a break from this day.

My friends are. . .unusually and exceedingly peculiar and altogether almost impossible to describe.

Oh, my friends. I miss you, and you haven't even been gone over 48 hours.

It's Spring Holiday (Easter break) here at school, and all my friends have gone home or out of state. I had to work yesterday, so I've still been here. Mind you, I'm leaving in about 10 minutes, but I just wanted to post this.

These new friends of mine really have no idea how much they mean to me. The first group is kinda my main group and they call themselves the Choir Buddies.

Of course, they met in choir, are all music majors or minors, and well, they're a bit odd compared to most people. We're a very hug-oriented group, like Disney, and will talk in random accents with random characters we make up. And it never seems to matter who's around (unless it's our director!). This group of people is so very unique, and I'm so glad they're my friends. Let me explain to you the level of slightly odd. A joke happened in December, before I was really a part of the group, and one of the girls in the group joked that one of the guys was her grandma. And next thing I know, they have a family tree for the whole group. And no, I'm not kidding.

I was going to put the picture in here, but Blogger doesn't like me right now. I'm in the family tree now, accepted and apparently cared for. Two of the tenors in the group decided the introvert in their choir no longer needed a bubble. So I start getting hugs everyday from these two, of their own volition. And I start hanging out with the freshman tenor, and he lures me in. Sneaky, sneaky. They're very outgoing, friendly guys who I have a lot in common with. They both took the time to really get to know me. They still enjoy surprising me almost everyday though.

Next thing I know, I'm part of the group, I'm on the family tree, and my Sunday nights have been claimed. We hang out then with the whole group after our myriad things finish. What these two tenors don't have a clue about is that I would actually call them best friends of mine. And I'm pretty particular about saying that. These guys bought me FFXIII for my birthday because they knew I wanted it. Aren't they sweet? :)

It's hard sometimes, though, being a strong introvert in a big group of extroverts. Sometimes I feel kinda ignored. I know they never mean it, but somedays, it never feels like they notice me. But then when they do, it means so much to know I mean a lot to them. At least, I hope I do.

And then there's miss Kaela. She's country, protective and a year younger than me. But she constantly motherhen's me sometimes. (I do the same to her, it's all good.) Kaela and I are very similar, and we vent to each other about so many things. Kaela is also one of my best friends; she also doesn't know this. But I know she's a friend I'll have for life. She was texting me yesterday while I was at work, and informed me that she has a belated birthday present for me. I told her she didn't have to, and she told me she knew. I have awesome friends. Her roommate, Liz, is a very blunt individual with so much compassion sometimes that it's almost hard for her to express how much it matters to her that her opinion matters to you. She's gotten to me a couple times, and combined with a bunch of other people, is kinda triggering a self-discovery. That'll be a later post though.

You can see where I might miss them all while they're gone. They pull me out of my shell, and I'm very open with them. I miss getting hugs, and being loved. I wish I could express to them how much they mean to me.

Before this year, I had 2 friends I could count on. Now one's gone, the other is still one of my best friends and I've found so many more. I'm so very grateful for my zany, outgoing, precious friends. I just kinda wish they were all back. :)

Warning: Unhappy writing follows.

I've been really struggling this week because I've been feeling like an absolute failure in every area of my life. And you're welcome to turn away now. I'm in vent mode.

Tuesday, I accidentally overslept two of my classes. I then went to my ensemble, then voice, and didn't do half as well as I know I can, and my teacher just kept telling me it was all right. But it's not. I want to be the best that I can be, and that wasn't it. I then head for a 3 hour rehearsal later that day. No one says anything specifically to me, but half the notes that the director gave fit what I was doing. Boo. I know I'm not the greatest actress, but I try.

Today rolls around. I make it to all my classes, but I got my theory test back today. I thought I'd done really well, and that I understood, but I still managed to get a 74%. So frustrating. I met a couple of friends off of my floor for lunch, and then went to Chorale; in which our director proceeded to be very picky the entire hour. Chamber, the next ensemble, had an audition for a solo that I really wanted. And, lo and behold, they get to me, and my voice cracks. And fails. In front of 30 people. *sigh.* Yay for my tenor friend, who knew I was upset (I didn't get picked), and made sure to give me lots of hugs.

But there was more to it than just not getting the solo. You see, I made the top ensemble at my university. And a freshman who is in one of the lower choirs got it the solo. Shouldn't I be better than that? Shouldn't I be succeeding more?

Of course, this is when my other tenor friend (they're kinda partners in crime) chooses to get in my face and tell me I have a beautiful voice, and that if 3 people agree, they can't all be wrong. He then asked me if I was listening. I told him that I was listening, but didn't think I believed him.

Listening. Really. How many people actually listen to what others say and how they say it? If people were just more sensitive to the nuances of how other people said things, then maybe we'd understand our friends so much better. Shouldn't we care how our friends feel? (I'm including myself in this.)

Day is still going here. I make it out of there, and into my astronomy class (nothing to report), although I do have an exam in there tomorrow. I left for our music building, in which I was forced by our diction teacher to sit through a voice area recital. And I realized I don't think I have half the voice those people had, and I feel so inferior. How did I ever make Chorale?

Diction begins, and I finally start opening up to the first tenor I talked to earlier. I share what's going through my head, and he tells me I have a great voice. I told him to please be honest, and he replied that he doesn't say things if he's not honest about it. (He and I are a lot alike in that respect.)

I have this really bad habit of believing that when anyone compliments me, that they're being genuine. I wish I knew how to say thank you and accept it for how they meant it. *sigh*.

To top this all off, I find out I can't go home this weekend as my hometown is supposed to get snow and possible ice. And my mom was in a fender-bender. I got off the phone with my dad and cried. I feel so emotionally wrung out right now. I'm concerned that if any of my friends read this (minus the one who I know is), they'd see me as weak, and just wouldn't put up with me. I feel incompetent and I know I'm probably on a huge self-pity kick, but I feel as if they would just walk away.

Do I really think that little of my friends? That's very sad.

I believe I'm done venting. I feel better, and now a song's running through my head.

"Lord, move in a way that I've never seen before. There's a mountain in the way, and a lock on the door. I'm drifting away, waves are crashing on the shore. Lord move, or move me."

I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be confident. Think Fanny Brice with "Don't Rain on My Parade" inner confidence.

I'm finished now. If you've read this far, thank you for caring.

Stress. . .

is a pain in my behind. This last week has just been stress-inducing, even though nothing major happened. It'll be the third week of classes tomorrow, and there's already so much going on. For example, we'll take today. I was supposed to get off of work at 4:00 pm, and the person who was supposed to be there didn't show up. I call her, and she's sure someone else was covering the shift for her. Ok, I'm calm for now. I call that person. She's confused; it's not her. So, the first girl manages to call someone in to cover for a bit, except she's already worked up to her limit for the week. I stayed until 4:30 trying to find someone else, but I finally had to leave. I had rehearsal to get to at 5:30.

Did I mention how much I hate leaving a situation I should be able to fix?

I proceed to get the fastest shower of my life, blow-dry my hair, and leave with my roommate and her boyfriend, who drops us at my car. So first, I think I lost my keys (I was sitting on them.). Second, my car refuses to start. It is 5:05, and I still have to pick up another member of our choir. This is panic mode setting in. My roommate's boyfriend, bless his heart, offers to take us. Everything after that went ok, and now I'm back in my room listening to Frank Sinatra. Much better for now.

How intriguing. I wasn't even trying, but I think this post is going to tie-in to the title of my blog too.

Now I'm wishing I had another day just to destress from today. :P I have theory homework due tomorrow, but one of my good friends is in town, and I'm planning on attacking him with hugs when I see him.

I just wish stress didn't feel like it was already overtaking my semester. Perhaps I'll work on ways to find serenity in the small things. "And that's my new philosophy!"

And quoting that makes me feel a lot better already. :)

What is serenity?

serenity: (n.) the quality or state of being serene

serene: (adj.) marked by or suggestive of utter calm and unruffled repose

Don't we all wish we had serenity in our lives? I'm not just talking about you and I being serene (as defined above), but in the world around us. Unfortunately, life doesn't seem to work that way.

As a college student, life never seems to get to that point for me. After all, any of you who've lived on a campus know exactly what I mean. There are constantly people around, whether it's walking the hall they live in, passing by on the way to class, or even class itself, and it seems to feel like sometimes you can't catch a breath for all the people around.

How does one find themselves when surrounded by, well, this chaos?

I've come to the conclusion that it takes faith. Faith in self, certainly, but also in God. How intriguing faith is. Does faith bring serenity? I don't know, but I want to find out.

I'm reminded of a quote from one of my favorite shows, Firefly while talking about faith. Let me set up the scene.

Shepard Book, who is a Christian pastor has taken on the duty of babysitting River Tam. River is not exactly, well, normal, and is for our purposes, not quite all there in the head. River gets a hold of Book's Bible, and to her logical mind, it is broken. Book is horrified. She's ripped pages out, marked through sections, and continues on her tirade, and finishes by telling Book that "Noah's ark is a problem." Book: "Really?" River: "We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit 5000 species of mammal on the same boat." And then she rips out another page.

It's at this point that Book decides to make a move. He tells River that she cannot fix the Bible, and she responds that it is broken and doesn't make sense. (Ok, if you've ignored my backstory to this point, read the next sentence.) Book explains, "It's not about making sense. It's about believing in something, and letting that belief be real enough to change your life. It's about faith. You don't fix faith, River. It fixes you."

How profound. You cannot fix yourself. None of us genuinely can. We're all a bit broken, all a bit lost, and that's what makes us so human.

Anyway, back to serenity. I might be on a quest to find it and faith. Faith in myself, confidence to be who I'm meant to be, and unerring faith in God.

The name for this blog, and the inspiration for this first post comes from the show Firefly (which if you couldn't tell, is a favorite of mine). The title song has the lyrics, "There's no place I can be/Since I found Serenity/But you can't take the sky from me. . .".

Now those who know the show know that Serenity is the ship. But for the crew, that ship symbolizes freedom, and the chance to find themselves. And I want to find serenity for myself.

Definitions at beginning taken from m-w.com, anything from Firefly is owned by Joss Whedon, and I used IMDB to verify I remembered correctly.